More Christian Jokes
The following jokes have been found "doing the rounds" on the Internet. Attribution is given where known.
Mother and Understanding Computer's Author:
Claudio S. Passarelli at RI_ANA_CC2
Date: 11/7/96 10:00 AM
For years I badgered my mother with questions about whether Santa Claus is a real person or not. Her answer was always "Well, you asked for the presents and they came, didn't they?" I finally understood the full meaning of her reply when I heard the definition of a virtual device: "A software or hardware entity which responds to commands in a manner indistinguishable from the real device." Mother was telling me that Santa Claus is a virtual person (simulated by loving parents) who responds to requests from children just like a real saint!
Mother also taught the IF ... THEN ... ELSE structure: "If it's snowing, then put your boots on before you go to school; otherwise...just wear your shoes. "Mother explained the differencebetween batch and trans- action processing: "We'll wash the white clothes when we get enough of them to make a load, but we'll wash these socks out right now by hand because you'll need them this afternoon.
Mother taught me about linked lists. Once, for a birthday party, she laid out a treasure hunt of ten hidden clues, with each clue telling where to find the next one, and the last one leading to the treasure. She then gave us the first clue. Mother understood about parity errors. When she counted socks after doing the laundry, she expected to find an even number and groaned when only one sock of a pair emerged from the washing machine. Later she applied the principles of redundancy engineering to this problem by buying our socks three identical pairs at a time. This greatly increased the odds of being able to come up with at least one matching pair.
Mother had all of us children write separate letters. Then she mailed them in a single envelope with a single stamp. This was obviously an instance of blocking records in order to save money by reducing the number of physical I/O operations. Mother used flags to help her manage the housework. Whenever she turned on the stove, she put a pot holder on top of her purse to remind herself to turn it off again before leaving the house.
Mother knew about devices which raise an interrupt signal to be serviced when they have completed any operation. She had a whistling teakettle. Mother understood about LIFO ordering. In my lunch bag she put the dessert on the bottom, the sandwich in the middle, and the napkin on top so that things would come out in the right order at lunchtime.
There is an old story that God knew He couldn't be physically present everywhere at once, to show His love for His people, and so He created mothers. That is the difference between centralized and distributed processing. As any kid who's ever misbehaved at a neighbor's house finds out, all the mothers in the neighborhood talk to each other. That's a local area network of distributed processors that can't be beat. Mom, you were the best computer teacher I ever had.
Of Course Its True!!
Police in Wichita, Kansas, arrested a 22-year-old man at an airport hotel after he tried to pass two (counterfeit) $16 bills.
A man in Johannesberg, South Africa, shot his 49-year-old friend in the face, seriously wounding him, while the two practiced shooting beer cans off each other's head
A company trying to continue its five-year perfect safety record showed its workers a film aimed at encouraging the use of safety goggles on the job. According to Industrial Machinery News, the film's depiction of gory industrial accidents was so graphic that twenty-five workers suffered minor injuries in their rush to leave the screening room. Thirteen others fainted, and one man required seven stitches after he cut his head falling off a chair while watching the film.
The Chico, California, City Council enacted a ban on nuclear weapons, setting a $500 fine for anyone detonating one within city limits.
A bus carrying five passengers was hit by a car in St. Louis, but by the time police arrived on the scene, fourteen pedestrians had boarded the bus and had begun to complain of whiplash injuries and back pain.
Swedish business consultant Ulf af Trolle labored 13 years on a book about Swedish economic solutions. He took the 250-page manuscript to be copied, only to have it reduced to 50,000 strips of paper in seconds when a worker confused the copier with the shredder
A convict broke out of jail in Washington D.C., then a few days later accompanied his girlfriend to her trial for robbery. At lunch, he went out for a sandwich. She needed to see him, and thus had him paged. Police officers recognized his name and arrested him as he returned to the courthouse in a car he had stolen over the lunch hour.
Police in Radnor, Pennsylvania, interrogated a suspect by placing a metal colander on his head and connecting it with wires to a photocopy machine. The message "He's lying" was placed in the copier, and police pressed the copy button each time they thought the suspect wasn't telling the truth. Believing the "lie detector" was working, the suspect confessed.
When two service station attendants in Ionia, Michigan, refused to hand over the cash to an intoxicated robber, the man threatened to call the police. They still refused, so the robber called the police and was arrested.
A Los Angeles man who later said he was "tired of walking," stole a steamroller and led police on a 5 mph chase until an officer stepped aboard and brought the vehicle to a stop.
Prayers For The Almost Saints
Lord, help me to relax about insignificant details beginning tomorrow at ll:41.23 a.m. e.s.t.
God, help me to consider people's feelings, even if most of them ARE hypersensitive.
God, help me to take responsibility for my own actions, even though they're usually NOT my fault.
God, help me to not try to RUN everything. But, if You need some help, just ask.
Lord, help me to be more laid back and help me to do it EXACTLY right.
Lord, help me to stand up for my rights (if you don't mind my asking).
God, help me to take things more seriously, especially parties and dancing.
God, give me patience, and I mean right NOW.
Lord, help me not be a perfectionist (did I spell that correctly?)
God, help me to finish everything I sta
God, help me to keep my mind on one th- Look a bird - ing at a time.
God, help me to do only what I can and trust you for the rest. Do you mind putting that in writing?
Lord, keep me open to others' ideas, WRONG though they may be.
Lord, help me be less independent, but let me do it my way.
Lord, help me follow established procedures today. On second thought, I'll settle for a few minutes.
Lord, help me to slow downandnotrushthroughwhatIdoAMEN.
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