Loneliness: Causes And Cures
This article looks at fifteen common reasons why people are lonely and some
of the cures for each of them. Some of them may apply to you, others won't.
Once you understand why you are lonely and the things that need to be done then
you can make the change.
The Causes And Cures Of Loneliness
Some people are lonely because:
1. Cause: They
have high expectations of others. When these high expectations are not met they
get disappointed and then retreat into their shells.
Cure: Decide to be someone who "bounces
back". Next time you get disappointed, don't retreat, just regroup then
go back into the friendship. Also check some of your expectations to see if
they are realistic.
2. Cause:They require people to agree with
them exactly. Over the years they narrow down the range of acceptable people
until there is no-one left.
Cure: Decide to keep both your truth and
your friends. Learn to tolerate those who differ from you and to accept those
whose opinions clash with yours - while keeping your own opinions. Be both without
compromise and without unnecessary anger.
3. Cause:They expect good to be done to
them first before they will reciprocate and they are always waiting for someone
else to act and thus they do not take the first step.
Cure: Take the initiative and be a friend
first. Smiles are free, handshakes are free, listening carefully costs nothing.
Be nice first and eventually others will reciprocate.
4. Cause:They move location too often to
develop deep friendships.
Cure: Even people in the military make good
friends. It is possible to make good friends inside of three to six months in
a new place. If you move every year ask yourself why you are doing this to yourself.
Try and change the pattern. Opt to stay somewhere for at least three years so
you can make friends. You never know you just might like it so much that you
choose to settle down.
5. Cause:They are impatient with others.
Love is patient and takes time to develop.
Cure: Tell yourself that people are fragile
and easily bruised. Sure you have high standards and people are often frustrating
but you can be big-hearted and kind to difficult people. Give people a chance.
Don't jump on them, and you will find you have a lot more friends.
6. Cause: They believe they are elite and
"cannot associate" with most people.
Cure: The cure is humility and realizing
that everyone has value and a story and something to offer.
7. Cause: Sometimes they lack knowledge
of how to go about making friends, engaging in small talk and showing the gestures
of acceptance - smiling, nodding, small courtesies.
Cure: Get a copy of "How To Win Friends
And Influence People" by Dale Carnegie or a similar book on social skills.
Practice smiling, being friendly and being kind and courteous. Success in friendship
will soon follow.
8. Cause: Lack of listening skills. Poor
listeners often come across as self-centered so they have few friends.
Cure: Learn to listen attentively to others.
Your turn will come. Many community colleges run courses on listening skills
as do some counselors. Also there are many books on listening skills and body
language. Try the following article for a start.
9. Cause: An "all or nothing"
view of acceptance and rejection.
Cure: The Catholic priest and counselor
Rev. John Powell once wrote a book called "why I Am Afraid To tell You
Who I Am.." and the answer was "Because if I tell you, then you might
not like me and its all I've got."
We all want complete acceptance of all we are - but total acceptance takes time.
Some people in the search for acceptance get into the the "Blurt it out
- then get rejected" pattern where they tell their whole intense life story
to a person they have just met and its "too much" so they get rejected.
The cure for it is for them to take relationships one step at a time, gradually
revealing themselves to others and letting them accept them "a bit at a
time". That way "blurters"can open up slowly at a pace that others
can cope with. On the other extreme of the "blurters" are the "jumpers".
These people "jump" at the slightest sign of rejection. Jumpers see
minor social rejections such as being accidentally ignored as being total rejections
of them as a person. These people think "if you are not always accepting
me then you are totally rejecting me". That is plainly false. Both the
"blurters" and the "jumpers" have an all-or-nothing view
of acceptance and rejection. Such people need to learn to see acceptance and
rejection on a spectrum from insignificant to total and to see acceptance as
a process that take time.
10. Cause: Anger - at one's self, at others,
at the world in general. Anger isolates.
Cure: Decide to become a forgiving, calm,
tolerant and friendly person. Angry people are difficult to befriend and often
end up lonely this in turn can fuel the anger. Anger tends to stem from resentments
which in turn stems from unresolved and unforgiven hurts. Make a list of your
hurts and resentments on paper then burn it and bury it symbolizing the end
of those matters. Work on forgiving others. Learn anger management. Try
this free ebook especially chapters 11-15.
11. Cause: Fear of embarrassment and fear
of rejection.
Cure: Dr. Clare Weeks talks about "floating"
through situations which threaten to embarrass you. When you go into a new social
situation go through the motions as if you were floating along slightly detached
from reality. Float through the door, float as you smile and shake hands, just
gently move as if you were on a cloud. This successfully deactivates the body's
"fight or flight" activation system which is behind the embarrassment
response. If the fear persists, then see a counselor.
12. Cause: Distrust of others as the result
of a severe life trauma.
Cure: This may be what is known as post-traumatic
stress syndrome and may need professional counseling. If you have retreated
from life after a severe life trauma such as rape, robbery or abduction then
you should see your doctor about getting appropriate help.
13. Cause: Being overwhelmed by life so
they choose isolation to reduce the stress levels.
Cure: When we are overwhelmed, stressed
or burned out then we naturally retreat to cut back on the stimulation and stress
of life. This is a natural response but if prolonged it can lead to isolation
and loneliness. To stop being overwhelmed first make a list of all you are doing
then prioritize it - getting rid of things that are "too much" or
"too complex". As you lift the load from your life you will find yourself
better able to engage in relationships and make friends.
14. Cause: Being so consumed by the need
to perform that life is "all work and no play".
Cure: Put work in its right perspective.
No-one on their deathbed ever says: "I wish I had spent another day at
the office". There is much more to life than work or performance. Your
value is person not production. Draw a graph of the life of a human being. At
the beginning as a baby we have high value and no productivity, in mid-life
we have high value and optimal productivity and in old age we have high value
and diminished productivity. Our value and our productivity are not related
at all. Our value concerns from who we are as persons and our relationships
and the love we share - so put your effort into those things.
15. Cause: Being so competitive that life
is a "battle" where everyone else is a rival and friendship is thus
excluded.
Cure: Decide to be friendly, cooperative
and affiliative, make love not war. Join a group in an area where you do not
have to compete and "just relax". Forget about winning and try liking
and blessing and befriending. Make allies, form networks, make relationships
part of your plan. It may be true that "he travels fastest who travels
alone" but it is also true that "he travels farthest who travels with
friends".
Ending Your Loneliness
1. Write down the causes of loneliness above that may apply to you.
2. Then think about the "cures" and what you need to do to fix that aspect.
3. Then write down a time and a process you will undertake to correct things and bring friends into your life.
4. Spend ten days putting it vigorously into practice. You will notice the difference by the end of the ten days.
How To Make Friends
The quickest way to start making friends is to be a friendly person. That is - smile, shake hands firmly, be easy and comfortable to be around, accept people, be warm and genuine and do small practical things for others. Learn to be a good listener and an appreciative audience for others. Everyone loves a good listener.
You don't have to be a performer or tell wonderful jokes or dress in a certain
way. Those things are superficial. Most people just want kindness and warmth
and acceptance and someone who will listen to them and care about them. If
you can do that you will have many friends.
As a Christian I find church is a good place to make friends and of course
having Jesus as a friend is a great start!
This article may be freely reproduced for non-profit ministry purposes but may not be sold in any way. For permission to use articles in your ministry, e-mail the editor, John Edmiston at johned@aibi.ph.